Letters to Hootoo - Ten Months

You have grown so much in the last month, cognitively and physically. You are standing, and walk with assistance. Your new favourite thing is a musical activity walker. It gives you a jazz accompaniment as you motor around the living room. You babble a lot, as though we're understanding the words coming out of your mouth. Your sleep patterns have been changing, thanks to new teeth and new developmental milestones. We're all still snuggling in the family bed and it's working for us. You don't sleep through the night but the two or three times you wake, it's short-lived and you most always fall back asleep within minutes. I can't believe I've begun to think about planning your first birthday party.

Things are crazy for me, little Hootoo. Wrapping up school, going to work, loving on you and your Dad -- it all adds up. Sometimes, I feel guilty for not giving you my whole self. Sometimes, I'm tired, unfocused, and impatient. Not myself. You seem to know when I'm at my worst, and will put your head on my shoulder or move in for one of those slimy smooches. You are happy to be with Dad or Adam and Annie, and make us all laugh when you burst out in giggles, or push out that patronizing laugh that I LOVE.

You seem to be doing more with your left hand. You keep us guessing on that. You have been eating so much more new food and loving it: black olives, bacon, chic pea patties, bread, strawberries ... you are not finicky and I love that.

You are so handsome, fun-loving and happy. I hope it sticks. I love you!

xo
Yo Mama

Euthanasia - Lord Byron

When Time, or soon or late, shall bring
The dreamless sleep that lulls the dead,
Oblivion! may thy languid wing
Wave gently o’er my dying bed!

No band of friends or heirs be there,
To weep, or wish, the coming blow:
No maiden, with dishevelled hair,
To feel, or feign, decorous woe.

But silent let me sink to earth,
With no officious mourners near:
I would not mar one hour of mirth,
Nor startle friendship with a tear.

Yet Love, if Love in such an hour
Could nobly check its useless sighs,
Might then exert its latest power
In her who lives, and him who dies.

‘T were sweet, my Psyche! to the last
Thy features still serene to see:
Forgetful of its struggles past,
E’en Pain itself should smile on thee.

But vain the wish — for Beauty still
Will shrink, as shrinks the ebbing breath;
And women’s tears, produced at will,
Deceive in life, unman in death.

Then lonely be my latest hour,
Without regret, without a groan?
For thousands Death hath ceas’d to lower,
And pain been transient or unknown.

“Ay, but to die, and go,” alas!
Where all have gone, and all must go!
To be the nothing that I was
Ere born to life and living woe!

Count o’er the joys thine hours have seen,
Count ‘er thy days from anguish free,
And know, whatever thou hast been,
‘T is something better not to be.

180.

My week rocked. It started rough: feeling bummed after a FaceTime date with my parents. They live so far away and it would be awesome to have them closer. I think that's a true sentiment for any new parent. If you have brothers, sisters, a Mom, a Dad living with or in close promixity to you, you really are LUCKY. I felt like Hootoo was missing out. Families do family things, and the rest of us have ... us.
Then Andy experienced a heavy moment where he really missed his Dad. I realized that LUCKY was HAPPENING. Because my parents are here, alive. Engaging with their grandson. Calling and texting their daughter. Family in Korea and New York LOVE him, and Hootoo knows and feels this -- regardless of distance. We also have friends that ARE family, in this house. This awareness changed my whole week.

My week rocked:
Midweek playdate with a new old friend, a like-minded sassy Mama that I admire in a variety of ways.
Quiet, hour-long drive in the blistering snow on back roads with a contented, snoring baby in the backseat. Coffee included.
Breakfast, conversation and movie fest with my hoaloha.
Connecting with a BFF over email.
A little pampering. Resurrecting the millenium mohawk (Version 2.0).
Listening to Hootoo cackle. Watching him stuff graham crackers and banana bread in his face. Gnaw on strawberries. Grin and snarl.
Singing Jesu, Jesu with understanding.
Hearing an affirming, and inspiring message. Being back in this setting and feeling comfortable. Open. Peaceful.
Anniversary, and hot date with my hot husband.
Having the best friends as housemates.

You know, everyday stuff.


Snarl.

The look of love.